Today I feel tired. Work has been intense, trying to finalise pending things and leave my replacement ready, so that everything goes well while I am on leave. The operationOpening and closing my eyes) is a few days away and my period for this month still has not arrived. My periods are very heavy. I already know that it is just one of those times when it takes a bit longer. But the circumstances this month are different, and I think that my period is going to coincide with the operation. I had hoped that it would come before, so that I would be able to spend the first few weeks after the operation not waiting, but this is not the case. I have already been thinking about this for a few days and evaluating the possibility. It is simply out of my control, so I am trying to trust in that whatever happens, it will be fine. And if they operate whilst I am on my period or if it comes just after, then so be it. Today I am simply tired. Tiredness is my number-one enemy, especially for my emotions, and I feel I can let myself get carried away and overwhelmed by it. When I feel like this, I start to feel scared.

Writing this makes me take a step back. Tiredness and I are old acquaintances and I already know where it comes from and what it can do to me. I ask myself, if I truly am scared of having my period during or after the operation, what exactly is it that I am scared of? Bleeding too much with the operation and my period at the same time? Not being able to cope? Staining the hospital bed sheets? Having to get out of bed too often and damaging my stitches? Being weaker for the first few days of recovery?

Today I am tired, but I have decided to write to get rid of my fear. Everything is going to be okay. I know what my periods can be like. If it is too overwhelming or too heavy, I simply have to tell the nurses. And if I did stain the bed sheet, it would be neither the first nor the last blood-stained sheet in a hospital. When I had my operation in 2017, as an out-patient, my period came a couple of days afterwards. I didn’t have an external scar and everything was very easy.

Tiredness makes me ask myself if being so positive is a defence mechanism or an escape to avoid facing my fear, or if it is real. When I reflect on how I have felt these past few days, I feel it is real. But I also realise that I must welcome my doubts. I don’t want to put a lid on my emotions, I want them to leave. I want them to flow out and leave me lighter.

I should have done some breathing exercises before dinner, but I forgot. This often happens to me. I forget about the resources that I have to hand when I need them most. Breathing. We spend our lives breathing, from when we are born, until we die and release our last breath. To me it seems incredible that breathing is the main involuntary function that we can control. Hold your breath. Now take a deep breath in. Now breathe out slowly. We can go underwater, and it is marvellous, delicate, and perfect. This is biology. That is what we are. The fact that we have so much power over such a vital function must be for our own good, a biological tool that nature has given us. We tend to search for external resources, without realising that within ourselves lie valuable tools that can help us to get out of a hole. I have been practising breathing for 7 months now, voluntarily, and consciously, every day in the morning. When I am recovering and have plenty of time for myself, I want to breathe more. I love breathing. I love it so much that simply thinking and writing about it has made me feel the good sensations again. I smile. I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

The fear flies further away. Now I am ready to go to sleep. Good night.